dearest one.

it’s finished. he’s ours. as of today, his adoption was 100% finalized!

this child no longer belongs to a state.

he belongs to a family. his family. our family.

son, your ma loves you! forever and ever and ever!

my son’s adoption will finally, FINALLY be finalized on monday. fourteen years old was not too old for a forever family. this boy lights up my life!!! so thankful for him and the love he brings, the love he teaches me every day…

it has been a little over six months since my son has come home… and i have to say, what a difference this time has made! my son is comfortable here now. in the beginning, he was so closed, cautious, and afraid. it was like yanking teeth to get him to talk about anything real, or to get him to face problems/fears. these days? he actually responds when we ask what’s wrong. he trusts us to be there and help with the problems. he’s learning to talk through his emotions, which is huge. HUGE. he volunteers information liberally about school, his social life, and even his past. he just talks to us now. like any other kid does with their parents. in the beginning, he was silent and suspicious. now, he comes home from school and is all “maaa! hug me! look at my art! i got in trouble at school for talking back to the teacher. can you make rotel for dinner?” lol. oh bless his precious heart. i just love him! and i’m so happy to see how our family has grown together. we are so blessed.

he is so funny, too, about always trying to make sure i’m going to react like a mom would. he’ll tell me he did something, like disobeyed what i said, and i’ll start telling him how disobedience is not acceptable, and he’ll says “just kidding! i know you were gonna lecture me, just like a parent… you’re such a mom!” but you know what? discipline, overall, delights him. he loves knowing his dad and i are not letting things go or putting up with certain stuff. he got put on restriction this weekend and actually thanked my husband for it. he thanked him because “that’s what parents do.” why does he value it so much? because before, he had no adult who was that invested, who cared enough to stand up to him and guide him. he gets that. this isn’t to say there aren’t huge arguments and blow ups, because there are. but we walk away from them able to have reassured him that we’re not going anywhere, it’s okay to be mad, but there’s a better way to deal than to cuss your brains out and break things.

i think a lot of people are afraid to parent a kid like my son. but it’s not his fault he doesn’t know how to do some things, like handle anger and apologize. that is what we’re here to teach him. and he has come MILES. he has a huge problem saying “i’m sorry” but yesterday, i told him he needed to apologize to his dad for something… AND. HE. DID. oh God in heaven thank you!!! this is just a huge, huge step! i am so inspired by this kid. he is truly special. he is so, so precious. he is so, so deserving. God knew what he was doing when he put this little family together.

as adoption day comes closer, my son’s fears are manifesting more loudly. he’ll ask all kinds of questions, and also has declared, twice, that he is leaving and isn’t meant to be here. he then packed and had to be “talked off the ledge.” he asked me, “why can’t i just be with the my real family? why did my life have to happen this way?” there is no simple answer. there is no way to take away that pain or confusion. not even i understand how so many families can be ripped apart with the kids left to pay the price. 

if you pray, please say a prayer for my sweet son who is going through a lot as we get ready to finalize this process. he has so much he hasn’t even worked through in his mind. so many fears and pains he has never faced internally. 

me: i love you son. do you believe that?

my son: no, not yet.

me: when do you think you’ll believe it?

my son: when you adopt me, i’ll believe that you love me.

me: can you tell me what the adoption will change in your mind to allow you to believe me?

my son: i’ll know you aren’t just saying you want to adopt me… i’ll know you really meant it.

me: son, adoption is not just a courtroom process. from day one and before day one, i saw you as my son. no judge can change or add to that. from day one i have loved you. and the adoption will not change where i am right now, which is here: i’ll never leave you. i’ll never send you away. i’ll always love you, no matter what happens or how you act. this is your forever family right now, not just after a court process.

my son: (hugging me tightly and staying there a few minutes.) i think i believe you now, mom. as long as i have you and dad, i don’t need anything else. not even video games!

me: well, since i am here to stay forever and ever, i guess we can trash the xbox huh?

my son: (laughing) … (suddenly nervous) wait… you ARE joking, right?

maybe you read this blog and think to yourself “what she is doing is great but i am just not able to do that now… i’m not cut out to adopt… i am too young to adopt… i am not in a place where i could foster…” etc. well there are many more ways to put some good out into the world and positively impact child/teen’s life. one such way is to mentor.

i am a mentor at the local high school and it is such a blessing and honor to be part of the program. i visit my 10th grader once a week and just spend time with her. talk with her about her boyfriend, her home life, what she’s got going on. i was amazed to find out how alone she is. mom is gone. dad spends more time with his girlfriend and out of the house than with his daughter. she doesn’t even see him every day. what message does this send to her? that she is not worthy of attention or time. that she’s not important enough. however, there is at least one caring adult in her life who intentionally spends time with her and loves it—me. she sometimes refers to me as her “therapist” because she tells me pretty much everything. all i’ve done is been there when i said i’d be, listened to her, talked with her, and been genuine with her. do you think you could do the same for a child or teen in need? call your local high school and see if there’s a mentoring program. you have nothing to lose except an hour of time a week. and everything to gain by investing into a child’s life! people matter… let your life be an echo of that statement.

Loved you yesterday.

Love you still.

Always have.

Always will.

i heard from our social worker, and we are getting ready to finalize the adoption in the courtroom in the next couple months. to me, i have been his mom from day 1 and even before that, but there is a finality about the court date that is so sweet and feels like such a long time coming. S has a lot of mixed feelings about adoption. he is afraid of the word “forever” and still doesn’t know if he can trust that forever will really mean forever. but he has moments where he forgets about his fear, looks at me and his dad and sees his parents and doesn’t have any second thought that this is truly where he belongs. someday, the fear will be a memory entirely. 

my son, super worried: “mom, is it normal that i want to hug you and dad so much?”

me, smiling because he’s so cute, sad inside because he has missed so many hugs: “yes, it is normal to want to hug the people you love.”

i want to be open and honest… at times before placement i wondered, “will i really love this kid? i love the idea of this child… and my heart breaks for any/all kids who don’t have a loving family… but when he’s here, will i really love him with a love a mommy feels for her dearest little one?” the answer is yes… yes… yes. i can’t even explain to you how love has grown between my son and i… and how the same is true for my son and my husband. 

i loved him right away, but as we’ve lived together and grown together, the bond between us as a family has become so much richer and deeper… i can’t even explain the way you feel about a child who is yours… what a treasure my son is. i can’t put into words what he means to me. i am so blessed. 

some days i question myself. am i a good mom? do i spend enough time with my son? too much? am i equipping him for his future? am i encouraging him? am i giving him the tools for success? am i loving and open enough? am i assuring him enough? am i too intense? not intense enough? oh my word… you can drive yourself crazy wondering these and more. the more you love your kid, the more you fret and worry. 

i try not to worry or overanalyze. instead i focus on the important things: telling my son that i love him, several times a day. hugging him every chance i get. encouraging him when he is doing something awesome. complimenting him and building him up in confidence. and trying without success to beat him at modern warfare ;) oh xbox, how you bring a family together. 

it’s been four months since S came home… here’s to forty million more.

my son got in trouble last week for spending a huge amount of money that wasn’t his on something he wasn’t supposed to. when we figured it out and asked him about it… his first reaction wasn’t “oh crap, mom and dad are gonna kill me…” or “oh geez, this is embarrassing…” it was “oh my god… i made an unforgivable mistake and mom and dad are going to send me away forever.” 

i hate that he grew up to believe family abandons you based on your behaviors… or that love from your parents doesn’t stay constant even when you mess up. i hope he will come to 100% believe and know this mom… me… i’m here to stay… not going anywhere… i claim him forever as mine, no matter the mistakes he makes. my heart breaks for the children out there who are treated as temporary. i’m making it my life’s work to show my son that his dad and i really do mean forever. 

2012… the year i became a mom to a handsome, smart, challenging, funny, stubborn, wonderful teenager.

2013… the year i continue to learn how to be a mother: love, protect, encourage and raise this young man i am blessed to call my son.

i just finished cleaning the bathroom… wearing my sweats, with my unwashed hair up in a messy ponytail, no makeup, feeling rough and tired… my son wanders in, opens his arms up for a hug, tells me, “you’re beautiful, mom.” i am blessed beyond compare. 

it’s christmastime!! best christmas ever… my son is here, and this is where he’ll have christmas every year to come. his older brother is staying with us this week too—K is in foster care, too, so getting the boys together for the holiday meant a lot to us and we’re glad we could make it happen. the cakes and pies are made, the stockings were opened this morning, under the tree is bursting with surprises. i’m so thankful for the best gift this year, which is my son safe and sound and home to stay.